Cain and Abel, East of Pittsburgh
I was thinking about Cain and Abel—a pair of young lads who lived a long time ago. Might even be distant relatives of mine. Cain and Abel lived someplace east of Negley. Maybe even past Wampum, Pennsylvania, or some exotic place farther out, like east of Pittsburgh.
Those places are so far from my home near the Ohio border that the distance is foggy—like my memory of the brothers. As I understand it, Abel didn’t much care for his younger brother horning in and usurping his prerogatives. He didn’t like the stinky little newcomer taking both nipples—bad enough if he took one!
At any rate, Abel took severe corrective action and lowered the boom—bumped off poor Cain, as the story goes. I heard he clobbered the sassy little snot with the jawbone of an ass. That’s how I recall it from my reading of the Good Book.
Then again, Abe’s mother stole some apples, and Abe learned about crime firsthand. Maybe Abel taught his distant cousin Sam the same trick. You know, Samson.
Samson, as you may recall, slew himself a passel of folks with the same weapon—the jawbone of an ass. It must’ve been popular back then. Good thing his significant-other finally pulled his hair out. That settled the raging testosterone for a bit. Come to think of it, we should be grateful they didn’t have AK-47s, Stingers, or drones. Poor Adam might’ve had more than his apples pruned.
Uncle Sam
Now, Uncle Sam—his great-great-great nephew up in Washington—heard of the stunt. Seems they’ve been smiting each other, and us poor constituents, in much the same way ever since. Different tools, same mess.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is getting ready to give Uncle Sam a good haircut—for economic malfeasance, mind you. Maybe it’s time I went to bed before I get too riled up.
After all, those folks in D.C. have methods of mass destruction—and they just might smote or smite someone with the jawbone of yet another ass.